Little Jokes
Honesty

Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of one

How Can I?

Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Only Five

Father: Have you taken your maths test, son?
Son: Taken already.
Father: Did you get them all right?
Son: Only five wrong.
Father: Not bad! By the way, how many sums altogether?
Son: Five.

Right And Wrong

Teacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.
Teacher: Is the sum right?
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.

Dead Body Cycling

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him . . . .
Teacher: Bobby, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Bobby: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.

The Music

Musician: Is the music sweet?
Boy: It's more or less like the one which my father plays.
Musician: Is your father a musician?
Boy: No, he's a carpenter.

Thief For Thief

One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .
Wife: You know dear our new washerwoman stole two of our towels. That crook!
Husband: Which towels dear?
Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach.

Better One

Bus Inspector: Where's your ticket?
Traveler: I think I have lost it.
Bus Inspector: Well, that's not a good excuse.
Traveler: Alright. You suggest a better one.

Sign in the Dark

Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.

Make a Sentence

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Keeps Talking

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

Broke Window

A new prisoner comes to a prison cell.
Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.

Where are you from?

Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Taking Doubles

Once a fat man stepped on to a weighing machine. He put a ten-cent coin into the slot. Out came a card with the printed words," One by one, please."

My Backside

An old woman went up a bus and asked the conductor . . . .
Old woman: Where is this place?
Conductor: This is Toa Payoh.
Later she poked her umbrella at the conductor's back . . . .
Old Woman: Where is this place?
Conductor: This is my backside.

A Bed For Mother

Mother's day was coming . . .
John: Mary, what shall we get for mother on Mother's Day?
Mary: A bed.
John: Why?
Mary: All of us have nice beds to sleep on but poor mother has to share one with father.

Shoes Round The Neck?

Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Three dollars.
Customer: What! I can buy a pair of shoes for three dollars!
Salesman: Yes. But who would want to wear a pair of shoes round the neck?

Weird Fact

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet (developed by Western Union to test telecommunications)

I'm Sick

One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital . . . .
Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.

The Smallest Words

One boy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. Here is how it goes . . .
Optician: OK boy, sit down please. Can you see the smallest words on the board.
Boy: Yeah, the smallest words on the board are "Made in Great Britain".


Drive Me Back

Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.
Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?

Pirate's Rating

What did the pirate rate the movie?
ARGH!!

America's Discoverer

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Coincidence

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and same time."

Saying Prayers


Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Forgetter

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Egypt

Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?